Journals like this are places for me to empty my mind and file away stuff I might like to revisit some day.  When I am writing, it is for myself alone.  I realize I am writing in a public space and yet since there is never a response or an interruption it feels private.  I was thinking yesterday about my tendency to babble on my computer.  On many of the sites people are begging for followers and get upset if no one interacts with them.  I realized at that moment that I am grateful not to be one of those.  I sometimes use these entries as memory aids and find myself going back and reading through something I wrote years ago.  Today was a perfect example.  I got on my scales and I am 180 pounds.  In my diet record book (a life time of yo yoing and it reads like a roller coaster) it says the last time I was 180 pounds it was on this day in 1991.  Twenty-four years ago…wow.  So I went to my 1991 journal and read about that year.   It was not a happy year.  I was forty-six and had been married six years and it was lousy and I was unhappy and so was my husband.  In two and a half years my mother would die and his son would come to live with us and the marriage would go on for another fourteen years.  Not all of them miserable years…time doesn’t work like that.  You have one good day to every two bad days.

There is just not enough time in life to do all the things the mind wants in every given day.   Yesterday I was reading a book in my Conant series.  It was well written and had a lot of good bits but it was hard to read and I wanted to put it aside.  Puppy mills.  I hate reading about animals in pain and suffering.  The author is not preachy but uses her books to try to fix some of society’s stupidities over animals and I like that and understand that but I cannot read about it for pleasure and that is what my reading is supposed to be…a pleasure.    I get so torn.  TV on briefly on Saturday and Blood Ties series by Tanya Huff was on and instantly I wanted to dig out my books and read the series.  I am currently on Season 7 of Buffy DVDs but haven’t watched in a week.  Was moving stuff from computer to Iconia and watched a Spuffy vid and instantly wanted to go and turn on DVD player and get back to Buffy.  I bought Fool’s Moon by Jim Butcher as an audio book read by Spike (James Marsters) and want to get to it right away but I am in the midst of a goal of finishing all the cosy mysteries I bought for my Kindle and refuse to be side tracked so that impulse is squashed.  I have my Dresden DVDs out and ready and on my list of things to do is reread all of the Dresden books and watch the series, right after I finish Buffy Season 7 and then Angel Season 5.

I watched a bunch of Spuffy vids yesterday and downloaded a large number of Mary Van Duesen’s wonderful vids and played them too.  I remembered a great vid entitled I Remember L.A. from S&H/UNSUB and tried to find it because the story by Tiger Tyger was just posted on line from the zine Lightning Strikes.  That is how I ended up watching so many vids…I could not find the one I wanted…it is on a disk in a box under bed and I had the impulse to get out all my music vids and put them in machine one by one.  So I downloaded the story to my computer and also put it on my Iconia ready to read and had the impulse to read it right then but I am not ready to get into Starsky & Hutch fandom right now.  I have a goal.   Then, while I had my machines connected, I went to X-Files and dug out a crossover series of stories Highlander/X-Files (Methos/Alex) and put them on Iconia and actually read two of the end ones that didn’t have Alex just to make sure I wasn’t missing him and the impulse to continue reading more X-Files stories right then was strong but I resisted.    My mind is a grasshopper frittering away the summer.  One or two of the vids I played were of The Professionals and I instantly wanted to read in that fandom and moved a couple favourite stories to my Iconia…Meg Lewtan’s Stage Fright and Camera Shy.   The Doctor Who vids had me wanting to put my Dr. Who DVDs in machine and watch Rose meet the ninth doctor.   I am always being pulled in a dozen directions and having to refuse to be drawn.  It is like craving sweets and forcing myself to ignore the craving and not grab the cookie.   I cannot understand people who say they are bored and don’t know what to do with themselves and need people around all the time…speaking of people who need people around all the time, I also watched Hunter S. Thompson documentary Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride and wanted to instantly go back and reread all his books that sit so lonely on the shelf or get Where the Buffalo Roam out and hope I still remember how to work the VCR.  That is another thing…..I still have a VCR but it has not been used in two years.  I have kept a number of tapes because they cannot be replaced in DVD format so it is necessary to keep the VCR.  Same thing with my desktop computer, I have a ton of CDs and when that computer dies…all that information, all those stories, vids, photos and brain fart collections will be unreachable.  Getting old is a bitch as you have to watch pieces of your life float away.

I am beginning to understand Lena’s life as each year brings more and more death into my life.  This has been a bad year for that kind of loss for me.  I’ve just gone through it again.  Andy died an unnecessary death in August and his dog was put to sleep the day after his funeral…I am sure that was necessary.   I have this friend, the first person I talked to after moving to Barrie.  She walked every morning and I used to take Beaugi to the boardwalk every morning and we would walk together and talk.  It was our only contact and when I stopped walking Beaugi we lost touch for a long time.  We met again by accident and exchanged numbers and promises and from then on I would call her before her birthday and we would meet for lunch and she would call me before mine and the same.  This year she did not call.  A month went by and I called her and found her phone was disconnected.  Instant anxiety.  This had happened before, I had an old friend Shirley that I had never met except by phone and she would send me a Christmas card every year and I would phone her at Christmas every year.  Then came the day I called and the phone was disconnected.  I checked on line for obituaries and there was none.  I checked on line for real estate and her house had been sold nine months before I called.  She lived so far away I could not go and knock on her neighbour’s door so I was left wondering.  She was old and in ill health so the assumption was…she died.  I mourned.  Again there was no obituary as this time I repeated the same steps and yes the house was sold last April.  This time I could drive to the house and knock on neighbour’s doors.  She sold and moved to Wasaga Beach.  Relief enormous.  Got her son’s phone number from neighbour and left message and she called me.  Move was stressful and busy and calling me slipped her mind.  She is well and happy…I am happy.  I have been telling all of my friends…please make sure someone in your family has a list of all the people who should be contacted in the event of your death and make sure I am on that bloody list.  Not all of us get the paper or religiously read the obituaries and, as I found recently, not every family puts an obituary in the paper and the internet is not that reliable.

Weatherman’s long range forecast says today will be the last hot muggy day of 2015, I should be out in the sun enjoying it.   This past week I took Ash-Leigh to beach and dropped her in the lake.  I got soaked as well and both of us required a shower after to get rid of the sand…a lot of work for a small moment of pleasure…the story of everyone’s life.  The following day I went to see general surgeon about a small cosmetic thing and it is covered by OHIP (happy dance) so an appointment was made to get the deed done.  Then I went swimming in apartment pool all by myself and used the hot tub…lovely.

Decks cleared, time to take dog out and get back to my Conant series.  Yesterday I caught part of 139th Westminster Dog show…connection to dog mysteries I am reading so there was some satisfaction in going from one to the other.

I have lost the ability to download/copy YouTube vids to my computer but found I can pin them to my Pinterest and access the vids on my Iconia so my favourites that I came across yesterday are stashed where I can find them again.  I am so very possessive of information of any kind.  Even if, because of time, I can never get back to something I enjoyed once…just knowing I have it accessible is almost as good as actually reading/viewing/eating/doing.  Life gets weird like that.  Spock said, having is not so good as wanting.   In my case, having is almost as good as using.

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