If I Were Younger

So many books, so little time and then I spend time rereading fan fiction for tenth time.  Yes, I am deep into rereading my collected X-Files fan fiction.  It seems I do this every year.  Every year I try to read a bunch that I did not get to the year before but always seem to find myself with old favourites.    Every year I promise myself I will read all of Ursula’s stories and time is passing and I still haven’t started.   So, I am currently reading a few books that are fillers for when mind is not in mood to process much. Today I am waiting on vet to tell me if my cat has turned the corner.  I have to bring him home today because I cannot afford another penny.  For what I have spent on him I could have  bought four Ash-Leigh’s, a top line computer, an IPad for two years, a wide screen TV, hell  I could have put a down payment on a new car and I still do not have a definitive diagnosis or even faith that the next bunch of money I shovel at the problem will not be for euthanasia.

Anyway, I pick up Leonard Maltin’s 2013 Movie Guide and kill time and try to settle nervous gut and realize that if I were younger, that would have been a project worth trying.   So may of these movies are based on books, instead of seeing the movies I could have read the novels they were based on.    There have been many times I have read a book and later gone to see the movie that was made from it and most of the time was disappointed.   This time I was thinking that as I read each blurb of a movie that sounded interesting that instead of searching out the movie to watch, I would be better served looking for the book it was based on.  However, life is too short and my ‘to be read’ pile is already in the hundreds.  I just finished all of Josan’s stories.  Some really favourite series …Eating, The Lodge, Long Distance Runners.  I read Wu’s Exigency and Echo Lane.  Ratadder’s Burn Me If You Want.  Torch’s Ghosts and Lovers and now starting JIM’s I Still Have Plans to Go To Mexico.  I want to get to Shael’s Loup Garou series this time.

Not sure which outcome will ensure I read more X-Files, good news about Mac or bad.  I am sick with worry and mind and gut will not focus or settle so I shall go back to nuggets of movie blurbs for a while and then try to bury myself in Mulder/Krycek/Skinner.  I want to read King’s Solidarity series and Godspeed both of which I wish were longer.  I wish Wu had finished Taken.  I hate WIPs that abruptly end and you know the writer is never going to finish it.

As I was spending all this money on an old moggy it never even crossed my mind what other things I could have spent that money on.   Like everyone I have wish lists of things I would like to have but would never buy because I cannot afford them.  This morning I realized that I spent the same amount of cannot afford money on Mac with little guarantee that he is going to pull through.  I have no confidence in my current vet but have spent too much to start over with someone else.  In my gut I am beginning to believe that he doesn’t know what he is doing, he is only in it for the money and that I have been taken and Mac is going to pay the price.  Helpless and angry and already grieving.  No more animals.  I had hoped to have a cat into my very very old age but I have just wiped out my ability to support another mouth to feed or care costs in future.  God help me if anything happens to Ash-Leigh in the next few years.

Back to my book.  Another thing I hate about Kindles or Kobos, I do not know what bloody page I am on.  They show page numbers in chapters so I am 40% through book, on page 60 of 259, no idea what bloody chapter and no feel for how far I have come.  I am beginning to realize more things I prefer about paper books…you can flip through them, you can read ahead easily, you can go back easily, you have a feel for where you are in the process and can always see how much of the book is left.   Ebooks are actually not as convenient.  The only thing they have going for them is…you can carry a lot of books around with you at all times and never be caught without something to read.   Leonard Maltin’s book is a perfect example of one that doesn’t work on ebook… where I am reading it this time….while I am reading a blurb on a movie in the Ks I see an actor’s name that reminds me of another movie he is in and I have the instant impulse to look it up but it is in the Ps and you cannot just flip a few pages, read that blurb while holding your place with a thumb and go back just as quickly.    If there is a ‘find’ feature I have no idea how it works, moving through a book to find a specific page or line is next to impossible and time consuming at best.   I frequently find myself frustrated by ebooks inability to accommodate my reading habits and quirks.

I wish I were a praying woman, I would be spending my day asking my god or goddess to please save my cat but I have no faith in a higher power and these days not even in the vets or doctors who are supposed to be so godlike in their powers over our well being.    The glass is half empty all the time and generally by the time I reach for it the contents have evaporated altogether.  Chances of good news are the same as my chances of winning the lottery.   If the news is as bad as I figure another 600 or 700 will be necessary to euthanize and cremate.  I will have no cat and three years worth of debt to repay plus the grieving process to get through.  Moan, whine, bitch.  I want a miracle.  I want good news.   I want my damned cat to eat.