Feeling My Age

There are times when I want to read but feel unfocussed and turn to books like Leonard Maltin’s Movie Guide.  Reading books like Maltin’s Guides or H.L. Mencken’s Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles or The Penguin Dictionary of Proper Names is like eating peanuts or potato chips…just one more line, quote, movie blurb.   One thing that struck me today was how many of the names are familiar and how many of them are already deceased.   Without being too aware of the passing of time…the body changes are more noticeable by others than by myself and my interior feels the same, I find myself estranged all of a sudden.    My main interest in life has always been books and the struggle to borrow them, buy them, store them, transport them and find time to read them.   I spent a lifetime stealing time from other areas of my life to give to books.   In the back of my mind these days the one worry is I will not have enough time left to read all the books I have bought that remain unread and all the books I want to reread.   I love looking at libraries, bookstores, bookshelves.  I love covers of books and reading about other people’s interest in books.   Like technology, I am falling behind in books.  I am no longer reading the current crop of fiction and non-fiction.    The world is passing me by while I buy books written and printed years and years ago that I didn’t get to back then but wanted.   The covers shown by readers these days are unfamiliar to me.  The author’s names do not ring a bell.   I got my first computer in 1978.  I bought one of the first betamax, the first Sony Walkman.  I changed computers every five years and upgraded.   For the first time I have not advanced with technology.  I do not own a smart phone.  I am not connected via Twitter.   I am losing my connection with what is current.   Am I letting go a piece at a time.  Is this what aging is?  You stop listening to the new music, nothing appeals except the golden oldies.  You do not tune in to 90% of the new television series and watch reruns of  a few old favourites with two or three new ones that have managed to catch your attention.  This means that with 200 channels there is never anything to watch.    Pulling in the borders of my life.  Making a cocoon filled with books I have loved but which represent the past.   Reading Maltin’s book today filled with movies I have seen that are all from years ago and reading the details of those I have not seen and likely never will see.  I no longer go out to movies and see none of the new films until they come on television for free.  With pay per view holding on to all new new ones for years after they are finally released from theatres, this means I miss 95% of all films being produced these days.   For special films like Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit…I buy the DVD.  This generally happens if a film is made of a favourite book.    Today I feel the disconnect of my life.    I am content with my life.   I am surrounded by books.  Every day is a pleasure and I do not feel like I am missing anything of importance that is happening in the world.  it is just that every so often something makes me realize that the world is leaving me behind in small ways.

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