I dream. I dream vivid, detailed dreams full of action and conversation, people, places and things and then wake abruptly and the dream vanishes in an instant leaving only impressions. It is like memories leave a taste, a scent, and a feel behind. An aura. I strain to remember details. Sometimes I remember what person or animal was in the dream but no details of action. I know that I was the leader of whatever action was taking place which I always am. Often I can remember the place too. Every morning I awake to frustration and aggravation. I am someone who needs closure. I complete every task to the best of my ability. I am a procrastinator because I know I need time and energy and inclination to finish whatever I start. I was always compulsive about finishing every single book I ever read…no matter how bad. I am working on breaking that habit. I wake with the feeling of leaving something incomplete, sometimes it seems like it was a good thing, sometimes a bad thing (I will not discuss the horror ones that I am happy I don’t remember as I try to calm my racing heart and hurry to shower away the fear sweat). I often remember what kind of dream it was…I have regulars. I have what I call my house dreams where the details of the house are more important than the action…like which room is mine..often I am having trouble choosing and want to be greedy and have more than one. The colours of my dreams are muted…not quite black and white but not vivid colours either..that I remember. Then there are the dreams of being lost…I will wake remembering where I was lost…on a street, in a plaza walking and walking looking for something familiar, getting tired, worried about being late. Or there are the panic dreams of being late for school and not remembering where my locker is or what books I need or how to find the room I should be in. People are not supposed to be still having those panic dreams after age 68 but I still do. Or there are the dreams where I am blind…well not quite blind but it is as if my eyeballs are covered with a thick layer of vaseline and I rub and tears come but still everything is blurry. I am an omnivorous reader. Reading is my life and losing my eyesight is a daytime nightmare that invades my dreams and has my entire life. I no longer have dreams of my small children running into traffic but now dream of my dog being lost. I do not have flying dreams or falling dreams at least that I can remember. I also have those dreams where I am driving and need to brake and my leg will not obey me and my mind is trying desperately to get my foot on the brake and I can’t. I often think those are close to waking dreams when I am still suffering sleep paralysis. I am the owner or potential owner of the houses in my dreams and sometimes it is one of the places I have lived before. There is no particular type or quality and no consistency.
I would write them down if I could but they are gone the instant I am conscious. Upon occasion I have remembered dreams and written them down, particularly the ones where someone I know dies. I dreamed my mother’s death two days before she died and remembered it in fine detail and related it the following day to my sister so when my mother did die the next day we were both astonished. She did not die like I dreamed but we did feel that the person who killed her in my dream was, in part, responsible for her death in real life.
I want to finish the story, I want to find out what happens, I want closure, I hate being left hanging. On the other hand, as someone who has read a great number of fan fiction stories in the last twenty years and been caught too frequently by unwarned about WIPs or wonderful stories that the author considers complete and that leave me hungering for more…I should be used to it but it is always a bad start to the day and today was one of those days.
There are not enough hours in the day and today I was wondering about Game of Thrones, a show I do not watch and whose books I do not read, and ended up reading all morning and past lunch time all about the structure, the history, the characters and their biographies and spoilers for the books and TV show. It was not what I had intended to do with my day but the hours flew by…it is fascinating stuff even if not fascinating enough to get me to read the books or watch the show. My eldest son loves the show and desperately wants me to come and sit through a marathon with him. No way…once they killed off Sean Bean there was no way I was going to get involved.
Right now I am washing my parka…my concession to the belief that it is spring. I will also put my boots in the back of the closet. I have faith that even if it snows again it will not be more than my crocs can handle.
Time to go on and do the things I had planned…better late than never.